Never Going Back
by Midnight Noel
Summary: Damon and Elena from episode 3x19 and beyond. Hope you enjoy it :D
1. The Motel Makeout

The cheap sheets were scratchy against my face, irritating enough to make sleep impossible. Fluffing and re-fluffing the pillow had no effect what so ever. Defeated, I accepted the fact that I probably wasn't going to get much sleep tonight. Okay, so maybe that wasn't the only reason I was having trouble sleeping. This whole trip was supposed to be a way to discover what my feelings for Damon truly were. Sure I cared about him, and we were friends but was it more than that? Over the past two years we've been on a relationship roller-coaster even though we weren't even dating. It went from me hating him then liking him, and then hating him again, it's like a never ending cycle. My thoughts were interrupted by the clank of the bathroom door opening.

My breath caught in my throat. He was stunning. The way the moonlight reflected off his pale face and his toned abs gave him a ghostly quality that made it difficult to stop staring at him. His icy artic eyes penetrated my soul in a manor only Damon was capable of. My eyelids mashed shut; it seemed the only way to stop myself from gawking. I glanced over at the chair, where he was drinking; we made direct eye contact again. For a moment that's all we did, stare. But, it was only a moment until he put down his drink and began to rise from the chair

As if in a trance, he came over to the bed and lay down gently, like he was afraid I would ask him to move. My heart beat like a snare drum. But, why? We'd shared a bed numerous times so what was the difference? It was evident; this was the closest I've ever been to figuring out where we stand. Physically, we were inches between us; emotionally we'd never been so far apart. I pried open my heart looking for answers, Stefan and Damon had a section of it that was all their own. Unfortunately, what came up was information I already knew, I cared about them both, no doubt about it. The confusing part was just how _much _I cared, and it was going to take much more than sharing a bed to figure it out.

My mind drifted to this afternoon. Jeremy had said Damon gave Rose a dream while she was dying to ease her pain. That was a sweet gesture because when I saw Rose on her last day she was a wreck. So for Damon to portray such a lovely dream, he must have cared a great deal about her. Why didn't he want to admit that he wasn't just a blood thirsty ass?

"You never told me about that," I started softly, turning to face him, "What you did for Rose."

He sighed softly replying, "It wasn't about you."

I could've gotten mad, but I didn't, instead I gave a tiny giggle. It was true. The reality was Mystic Falls was almost the _Everybody Loves Elena_ show and I hated it. Almost every horrible thing that had happen could be traced back to me being the doppelgänger. So the thing he did for Rose had no impact what so ever on me and he wanted it to be his secret. I understood that; even more so, I respected it.

What I didn't understand was why he acted like he didn't care about anyone but himself. He's saved my life numerous times, but has yet to tell a single person. I've seen him be compassionate and sensitive to me and others. So why is it so hard for him to admit that he _does_ care?

"Why don't you let people see the good in you?" I questioned smirking a bit.

His face remained hard as stone, while he continued to examine the ceiling, "Because when people see good, they expect good."

That wasn't the answer I was ready for, But it kind of made sense. Damon didn't want to be compared to Stefan. Stefan, who _always_ did good for the ones he loved, even if it left his own life in shambles. That was one of his great qualities. Damon was known be a hero now and then, like when he rescued me from the car accident or when he helped me get Stefan back. The difference was Damon was almost ashamed that he wasn't a heartless monster.

He turned his face to mine; "I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations."

_You've already lived up to mine_ I almost admitted, but I shoved the words down my throat just in time. Before my connection with him ran too deep, I remembered something.

He was _Damon, _the guy who compelled Caroline, killed my brother, forced me to drink his blood, and caused his own brother so much unnecessary pain. I almost laughed at myself. There's no way a relationship would work between us, he has too much of a troubled past. How could someone who had done such terrible things even be capable of love?

Again, he was Damon, the guy who danced with me at the Miss Mystic Falls dance; saved my life numerous times, compelled Jeremy to ease his mind, and offered to help Stefan control his blood lust. He was a closeted hero.

His cold hand brushed gently against mine. Just that simple contact caused butterflies in my stomach. He took my fingers in his callused palm and held them. The intertwined hands fumbled around a bit. Our eyes met and I knew I could stay like this and never move. There was something tugging at my conscious, making it impossible to be completely at ease. Stefan.

Pulling my fingers away from him as swiftly as possible, I grabbed my robe and left the room without a glance back. The wind blew against me, sending my hair in all directions. It felt soothing to be outside, opposed to being in a small stuffy hotel room. I had once told Stefan it would always be him. Now I wasn't so sure. My actions were just as awful as Katherine's. How could anyone stand to be in the same room as me, let alone love me? Footsteps approached behind me, I didn't really need another Damon kiss to feel bad about.

"Don't," I pleaded, looking straight ahead.

"Why not?" he replied, his voice was lacking its usual sarcasm. I racked my brain to come up with a decent answer. Maybe due to sleepiness, nothing came to me. Shaking my head slightly didn't help clear my mind in the least.

"Elena," he muttered. I couldn't think of a reason because I _wanted _to kiss him, every atom of my being wanted to. Before my brain could convince me otherwise, I spun around and dashed over to his surprised arms.

I couldn't help feeling the adrenaline of my heart when he first took my waist in the moonlight. I felt so protective and secure in his presence, that I had forgotten we were by the soda machine in a crummy motel. It would be satisfying to kiss him anywhere. The way our lips moved in a rhythmic motion, we acted as one. My hands grasped forcefully at his jet black hair, and we pulled each other so close, I'm surprised we didn't merge together.

As we continued, I couldn't understand why I ever doubted my feelings for him. The kiss began to get more urgent, we backed up a few steps until by back was pressed against a pillar. My hands remained on his shoulders, while his lips made their way down my neck and explored parts of me that had never been touched by lips. He didn't stop and I didn't want him to. Our faces became level and I kissed him, like I'd never kissed anyone before, so rough and full of passion it was almost painful.

We broke apart, still clutching onto each other. I gazed into those beautiful sapphire eyes and knew how much I wanted him, not just now, but tomorrow and the day after that and so on and so forth. We leaned in but when our lips met it wasn't rough, but gentle and soft. I was protected in his arms and I didn't want to have to let go. We picked it up a little bit, but why not? Nothing was stopping us.

"Elena?"

Expect my little brother. His expression was emotionless, but his eyes showed concern, and that familiar feeling of guilt slithered its way into my stomach. We pulled away quickly but a quick mutual understanding passed between us, everything in regards to our relationship, had just been changed forever. There was no going back.


	2. The Drive

"What the hell is this?" Damon asked. If I knew, there's would be nothing stopping me from sharing. But I didn't, I was just as clueless as he was, maybe even more. Sure, I liked him, but did I _like_ him, like him or what. God, my method was so screwed up. Seriously, who mouth attacks a guy to see if she has feelings for him? Oh right, that awful person would be me.

"Stefan thinks I have feelings for you," I whispered, staring straight into his sapphire eyes.

"Do you?"

_Yes_. "I don't know," I lied. His face was as emotionless as a brick.

Why was it so impossible to tell him the truth? When we were kissing, there was this undeniable passion that I'd never experienced before. The kiss left me with goose-bumps going up my arms, and there was not an ounce of my being that wanted to lift my lips from his. Even though all the guilt was beginning to pool in the pit of my stomach, I still wish Jeremy hadn't interrupted us. There's no reason what so-ever why I couldn't admit this to Damon, but the words were lodged in my throat, probably by some supernatural force like nerves.

But seeing him attack Kol, again brought me back to the earlier version of Damon Salvatore, the one who murdered people when things went wrong, an example being snapping my brother's neck. No wonder Jeremy wasn't a big fan of our motel make-out, that would be like if he kissed Rebekah. Gross. Even though he was attacking Kol for the common good, that didn't stop me from remembering a time when he killed for the common _bad._

"So I guess you thought this little trip would figure that out for you," he spat, "or maybe you're hoping I'll screw it up so that'll just make the decision for you am I wrong?"

"Damon," I pleaded.

"Am I wrong?" he asked, angrier this time.

"It's what you do Damon, you sabotage things," I replied, trying to come up with the right words, "Think about it, every time there's a bump in the road, you lash out."

"What if I didn't? What if there was no _bump_?" he questioned, never breaking eye-contact, "Well I'm sorry Elena, but this time I'm not gonna make it so easy for you. This time you'll have to figure it out for yourself."

As much as I wanted to be mad at him for telling me off, I couldn't be because he was right. It was important to make a choice sooner rather than later because the longer I keep doing this, the more hurt someone is going to get. I've caused both the Salvatore's pain and it this love triangle thing needed to end as soon as possible.

The car ride home was awkward to say the least. I regretted arguing with Damon, but none of what was said was a lie. We haven't really talked at all expect to make quick plans about stopping for breakfast,

My gaze transferred from the rain stained window to the person sitting next to me. 'His eyes were focused solely on the road ahead, and the lips that had just caressed mine were now pulled in a straight line showing no signs of his usual smirk.

"Thanks for coming." The words tumbled out before they could be stopped. Damon gawked at me; like he was shocked I broke the mutual silent treatment before he did.

"Yeah, of course no big deal," he replied masking his surprise with a shrug.

"Were you able to get all of Jeremy's stuff," I asked him, glancing back at my brother who had his ear buds in.

"Yeah, I even left a treat for the dog," he grinned, pulling into a parking lot. Looks like the silent treatment plan didn't work so well, like I had learned so many times before, it was impossible to hold a grudge against Damon.

"You cold," he asked as we got out of the car. I hadn't even noticed my shoulders quivering until he brought it up. Before I could reply, Damon took of his leather jacket and put it around my shoulders. Ok so when he wasn't going on murderous rampages, the guy could be kind of sweet .My cheeks flushed red, "thanks."

"Jer, are you hungrey?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

The inside of the rest stop looked pretty average, with florescent lights, and orange walls. Jeremy excused himself to use the bathroom so Damon and I were left in the hallway.

"I should probably say _sorry _about before." He admitted, staring at the floor.

"You didn't really do anything."

"I grabbed your hand."

I stifled a laugh. Of all the things Damon has done he apologizes for holding my hand. So I took one of his hands between my two palms.  
"I just grabbed your hand, I'm _so_ sorry," I joked.

"Look Elena, I just have to say one thing, whatever your choice is, I promise not to sacrifice any sorority girls."

I know his attempt at humor was supposed to make me feel better, but I didn't.

"Stefan was right," I breathed.

"About what?"

"I do have feelings for you." Immediately, I wanted to take the words out of the air and shove them back into my brain. Too late.

"Well, you're not so bad yourself"

I did it. I had just admitted what I'd been keeping from both Damon and myself since my birthday and that was his response. Damon with his trademark leather jacket, classic smirk and natural charm, it was hard_ not _like him. Gently, my lips pressed lightly pressed against cheek, and I gave him a tight smile.

"Whoa, So are you guys gonna have sex without clothes on this time?" Jeremy joked, approaching us with a platter of pancakes in his hand.

After we had all eaten, we all piled into Damon's car. When my head hit the headrest, my eyelids immediately drooped, but after seeing Scary Mary hanging on a wall, I don't think sleep will be on the agenda.

"You can sleep if you want," Damon muttered, glancing at me. My vision became foggy, I felt my consciousness ebbing away, and then I succumbed to lack of sleep.


	3. The Change

That's what Ric wanted. He wanted to die. None of the pleading in the world would make a difference. But how could he do this to Jeremy, to Damon. To me. For so long Alaric was my rock. Jeremy and I could count on him to do anything for us He may have a slightly alcoholic rock but nevertheless my brain couldn't process the fact that he was going to be gone forever.

As if in a trance, I numbly trudged to the side of the cave, leaning on it for support. I slid down it clutching my knees to my chest, like a small child.

"Is this the pity party?" a soft voice asked positioning himself next to me. This was typical Damon, trying to find humor in the darkest situations.

"Leave me alone," I grumbled at him, turning away.

"C'mon, look you're starting to brood as much as Stefan. He wouldn't want you to be all depressed."

"You're so inconsiderate! How am I supposed to act?" I growled, anger building in side of me, like a bottle of Coke with Mentos in it, "He was the one I could turn to, when all this vampire stuff threatened to drive me insane."

"I believe you're forgetting that Ric was my only friend, besides you."

My stomach sank, and straightaway I felt like crap for calling Damon inconsiderate, because he was just as torn up about Ric's death as I was, they were best buddies. Damon and Alaric's friendship had completely slipped my mind. I didn't know how either. Almost every night the pair of them went out drinking.

"Sorry, I- It's just- Well-"

"No worries," He muttered, staring forlornly at the ground. I gave his hand a squeeze, and his eyes looked up to meet mine. The moonlight shined down on them, and the first thing I noticed was that his eyes were filled with tears, those beautiful eyes that had never displayed that much emotion. Last year, when I believed Bonnie had died, there are not even words to describe how heartbroken I was, so that must be how Damon is feeling now. Ever so gently, I raised my fingers, and brushed away the drop of water that had begun to create a stream down his cheekbone. I felt the wetness on my fingertips, but I didn't move my fingers, they just continued to stroke his face in a rhythmic motion.

He turned away out of embarrassment.

"Crying doesn't make you weak Damon," I crooned, "It shows you care."

"It was a lot easier when I didn't," he replied. That's when a lump developed in my own throat and it was impossible to sallow. Soon hot tears began crawling down my face before they could be stopped.

Damon wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and instantly I felt better, safer.

"Alaric is a good guy. Bad stuff shouldn't happen to good people."

"You should know that as well as anyone."

It was true. Jeremy and I have lost almost everyone. I though Alaric would stay around. He had the ring to protect him; he couldn't die, like Jenna, like my parents. But it was the ring that ended up killing him, no one is safe.

"What if Jeremy dies next? I don't know-I don't think-"

"Elena, Jeremy's not going anywhere, I'll protect him. Not in like a creepy stalker way, but I'll make sure he doesn't die."

"Thank you. Really, that means a lot to me."

"I know. That's why I'm doing it."

"Don't let yourself die either. Klaus is still here."

"Klaus just attended a high school dance, to see his crush; I think we'll be ok."

"Did you know Alaric wanted kids?" I asked randomly. He could have had an amazing future without vampires, he could have gotten married and had kids, but he came to Mystic Falls instead.

"He had two. He loved you guys, you were like his kids. Did you know he was a boy scout?"

I stifled a laugh picturing Ric in a little Boy Scout uniform complete with a crossbow and vervain grenade. Oh god! All the stuff in the class room, the janitors would find the vampire hunting stuff. As quickly as humanly possible, I jumped to my feet.

"Hey, Elena look at me, are you OK?"

"No, I need to go clean out his room. I have to go now."

"Whoa," said Damon, blocking my path, "Are you sure, it's kind of soon."

"No!" I screeched, "I need to go _now."_

"Elena, hey, calm down, just deep breath."

"No! I have to go- I have to go!"

Angry tears were streaming down my face, making my face blotchy, as I struggled against Damon's grip, and then I completely lost it.

I succumbed to the sobs and collapsed, my lungs burned for more air than I could give them and my body was shaking uncontrollably. Alaric was really gone. The ring couldn't bring him back this time. The only thing that kept me from going completely crazy was Damon's arms enfolding my waist. Everything else was irrelevant.

When my gasps turned to mere hiccups Damon let go.

"Do you still want to go?" He asked looking deeply into my soul.

"Yes."

"Are you alright?"

"I will be."

He took that answer as satisfactory because he didn't try to stop me as I walked past him.

"Don't do anything reckless, Damon," I sniffled, giving his shoulders a quick squeeze.

"I'm just going to stay here. Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yes. Just, you were Ric's best friend, don't forget that, OK?"

"You were his favorite student so don't forget that."

I turned to go.

"Elena just remember, if you ever need anything-"

"I know, the offer can go both ways."

I did my best to plaster on my happy face, but my mask crumbled. That's when I realized that Damon didn't stop me from going to the school because he didn't care, it was because he did. He understood that I needed to be alone and this was his way of giving me this time to myself. Damon really has changed, but is it enough?


End file.
